Not long ago I went through an amazing Lenten journey that opened my eyes and ears to what God wanted to do in me. How He wanted to teach me how to live a life I was created to live. A healthy one...a comfortable one....an active one. A life full of accomplishments that seemed to be just out of my reach and not meant for me to ever live.
I was obedient.
I worked.
I died.
I lived.
I LOVED IT!!!!!
Then those dreaded waves of depression crashed against me with such force that even though I tried to hold strong I soon succumbed to their mighty pull. It didn't take long before I was almost right back to where I started. Right back to the discomfort and old routine. I made excuses and blamed the medication, the withdrawals, the stress, the depression, the election...ok maybe not the election, but you get the picture. None of it was my fault.
None of it was my fault, I had good reason, right?! Then why did I keep hearing a voice asking- what about Lent? What about what Father had said? What about living a life of freedom and honoring the sacrifice Jesus made? What about enjoying what God designed me for? None of that had changed. All the excuses in the world amount to one thing.....blatant disobedience. Blimey- that sucks!
I can't wait for Spring to experience Lent all over again. It's now....it's tomorrow....it's ongoing.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Friday, June 4, 2010
So Long, Won't Miss You
Two and a half weeks ago I started a new journey- a "Weight loss Journey"- doesn't that sound better than a diet?? I figured my baby is almost 2 so I can't claim it as baby weight anymore and now that the Great Depression is over I figured it was time to shed this extra baggage.
I set my first goal as 10lbs and I am so thrilled to announce to all who care that today I reached that first goal- well to be precise I lost 10 1/2 lbs!
It has been hard- freakin hard! I find myself wanting to reward myself with food every time I am happy, stressed, overwhelmed, lazy, have an itch you name it! I want to eat but I am holding strong. I am trying to find new ways to reward myself- like tomorrow I am heading to the mall to buy this dress I have had my eye on!
I have to admit it feels real good to be doing this and to see the pounds drop off. It's just another layer of depression that I am peeling off, saying so long too and never want to see again.
I set my first goal as 10lbs and I am so thrilled to announce to all who care that today I reached that first goal- well to be precise I lost 10 1/2 lbs!
It has been hard- freakin hard! I find myself wanting to reward myself with food every time I am happy, stressed, overwhelmed, lazy, have an itch you name it! I want to eat but I am holding strong. I am trying to find new ways to reward myself- like tomorrow I am heading to the mall to buy this dress I have had my eye on!
I have to admit it feels real good to be doing this and to see the pounds drop off. It's just another layer of depression that I am peeling off, saying so long too and never want to see again.
Friday, May 28, 2010
As real as drowning
If you have ever experienced depression then you know the feeling I am talking about.I never really understood depression until this past year. As I feel yet another layer of depression peel off of me I feel the need to write about it.
After 2 years of intense spiritual, relational and financial battles I entered a season of what I thought would be rest and restoration. Instead, in the stillness of my life (as still as life can be with two little ones) I felt myself being pulled under a blanket of darkness. A darkness so foreign and heavy I couldn't bear to get out of bed some days for the thought of carrying that darkness was too great for me. It was like falling down a hole as I grasped at whatever I could to keep from going deeper. When I finally hit the bottom of this hole it was dark, lonely, hopeless and exhausting.
I racked my brains and wept on the phone with my mom on a daily basis trying to figure out what was causing this. Was is spiritual? mental? physical? hormonal? What was it??? I felt the need to figure this out. My son was almost a year old and I knew Post Partum Depression was still a possibility but I had a sense that this was much more than that. But what was it? I had to figure out why I was crying in the middle of a department store as I bought a night gown.
I was encouraged to try medication but then I heard my old words coming back to me about people being too quick to medicate and I wanted to try other avenues. Soon I realized it wasn't fair to my family to put them through all this so I went on medication for a short time and it helped at first, but again it wasn't enough. Plus I was still nursing Samuel and didn't feel comfortable taking anything. I couldn't imagine living life like this for any length of time. I soon felt compassion for those who struggle with depression throughout life.
I can not express in words the darkness of this time. I was ready to leave my husband (except I couldn't figure out how to do that without destroying my kids so I didn't and I am so glad I didn't!)I gained 20lbs., and literally cried all the time. I was consumed with figuring out why this was happening. Then one night of weeping and crying out to Father God He began to speak His love over me. He wrapped His arms of acceptance and understanding around me and new tears fell from eyes. Tears of being overwhelmed by his love, teats of hope and tears of thankfulness.
At some point during this journey I was reminded, by mom, that my eyes had been on myself and my depression so much that it was all I could see. I could no longer see Father God's hand or see He had a plan fro me. I had been praying for Him to fix me and seeking His comfort but I was not seeking Him. So, I took a first step- I began seeking God and focusing on Him not as a way to heal me but because I love Him. Amazingly, as I put my focus on the Father I began to feel the first layers peeling off of me. That blanket of darkness wasn't as heavy anymore. It was still there but somehow I was able to get out bed and walk around with that blanket. It took months of being with the Father and making other changes in my life till I got to the point I am at today. The blanket is now so threadbare I barely even know it's there anymore. I wouldn't even call it a blanket these days. It's more like a few threads are left clinging to me that I continue to pluck off .
I never want to feel the way I did at that darkest hour but this depression taught me how much I am loved. How much my Father God loves me. He expressed this to me with His presence as He held me, with His words of love and acceptance , with His healing and most tangibly by blessing me with such a wise, loving, beautiful mother who wasn't afraid to go to the dark places with me and hold my head up above the water when all I wanted to do was let it wash over me. I have learned to cling to the Father on a daily basis. I start each day well, most days, by being quiet with the Father and surrendering myself to Him and allowing Him control. I have found the days I don't do this are the days I feel that darkness just under the surface. It has made me so dependant on Him and for that I am thankful!
After 2 years of intense spiritual, relational and financial battles I entered a season of what I thought would be rest and restoration. Instead, in the stillness of my life (as still as life can be with two little ones) I felt myself being pulled under a blanket of darkness. A darkness so foreign and heavy I couldn't bear to get out of bed some days for the thought of carrying that darkness was too great for me. It was like falling down a hole as I grasped at whatever I could to keep from going deeper. When I finally hit the bottom of this hole it was dark, lonely, hopeless and exhausting.
I racked my brains and wept on the phone with my mom on a daily basis trying to figure out what was causing this. Was is spiritual? mental? physical? hormonal? What was it??? I felt the need to figure this out. My son was almost a year old and I knew Post Partum Depression was still a possibility but I had a sense that this was much more than that. But what was it? I had to figure out why I was crying in the middle of a department store as I bought a night gown.
I was encouraged to try medication but then I heard my old words coming back to me about people being too quick to medicate and I wanted to try other avenues. Soon I realized it wasn't fair to my family to put them through all this so I went on medication for a short time and it helped at first, but again it wasn't enough. Plus I was still nursing Samuel and didn't feel comfortable taking anything. I couldn't imagine living life like this for any length of time. I soon felt compassion for those who struggle with depression throughout life.
I can not express in words the darkness of this time. I was ready to leave my husband (except I couldn't figure out how to do that without destroying my kids so I didn't and I am so glad I didn't!)I gained 20lbs., and literally cried all the time. I was consumed with figuring out why this was happening. Then one night of weeping and crying out to Father God He began to speak His love over me. He wrapped His arms of acceptance and understanding around me and new tears fell from eyes. Tears of being overwhelmed by his love, teats of hope and tears of thankfulness.
At some point during this journey I was reminded, by mom, that my eyes had been on myself and my depression so much that it was all I could see. I could no longer see Father God's hand or see He had a plan fro me. I had been praying for Him to fix me and seeking His comfort but I was not seeking Him. So, I took a first step- I began seeking God and focusing on Him not as a way to heal me but because I love Him. Amazingly, as I put my focus on the Father I began to feel the first layers peeling off of me. That blanket of darkness wasn't as heavy anymore. It was still there but somehow I was able to get out bed and walk around with that blanket. It took months of being with the Father and making other changes in my life till I got to the point I am at today. The blanket is now so threadbare I barely even know it's there anymore. I wouldn't even call it a blanket these days. It's more like a few threads are left clinging to me that I continue to pluck off .
I never want to feel the way I did at that darkest hour but this depression taught me how much I am loved. How much my Father God loves me. He expressed this to me with His presence as He held me, with His words of love and acceptance , with His healing and most tangibly by blessing me with such a wise, loving, beautiful mother who wasn't afraid to go to the dark places with me and hold my head up above the water when all I wanted to do was let it wash over me. I have learned to cling to the Father on a daily basis. I start each day well, most days, by being quiet with the Father and surrendering myself to Him and allowing Him control. I have found the days I don't do this are the days I feel that darkness just under the surface. It has made me so dependant on Him and for that I am thankful!
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