If you have ever experienced depression then you know the feeling I am talking about.I never really understood depression until this past year. As I feel yet another layer of depression peel off of me I feel the need to write about it.
After 2 years of intense spiritual, relational and financial battles I entered a season of what I thought would be rest and restoration. Instead, in the stillness of my life (as still as life can be with two little ones) I felt myself being pulled under a blanket of darkness. A darkness so foreign and heavy I couldn't bear to get out of bed some days for the thought of carrying that darkness was too great for me. It was like falling down a hole as I grasped at whatever I could to keep from going deeper. When I finally hit the bottom of this hole it was dark, lonely, hopeless and exhausting.
I racked my brains and wept on the phone with my mom on a daily basis trying to figure out what was causing this. Was is spiritual? mental? physical? hormonal? What was it??? I felt the need to figure this out. My son was almost a year old and I knew Post Partum Depression was still a possibility but I had a sense that this was much more than that. But what was it? I had to figure out why I was crying in the middle of a department store as I bought a night gown.
I was encouraged to try medication but then I heard my old words coming back to me about people being too quick to medicate and I wanted to try other avenues. Soon I realized it wasn't fair to my family to put them through all this so I went on medication for a short time and it helped at first, but again it wasn't enough. Plus I was still nursing Samuel and didn't feel comfortable taking anything. I couldn't imagine living life like this for any length of time. I soon felt compassion for those who struggle with depression throughout life.
I can not express in words the darkness of this time. I was ready to leave my husband (except I couldn't figure out how to do that without destroying my kids so I didn't and I am so glad I didn't!)I gained 20lbs., and literally cried all the time. I was consumed with figuring out why this was happening. Then one night of weeping and crying out to Father God He began to speak His love over me. He wrapped His arms of acceptance and understanding around me and new tears fell from eyes. Tears of being overwhelmed by his love, teats of hope and tears of thankfulness.
At some point during this journey I was reminded, by mom, that my eyes had been on myself and my depression so much that it was all I could see. I could no longer see Father God's hand or see He had a plan fro me. I had been praying for Him to fix me and seeking His comfort but I was not seeking Him. So, I took a first step- I began seeking God and focusing on Him not as a way to heal me but because I love Him. Amazingly, as I put my focus on the Father I began to feel the first layers peeling off of me. That blanket of darkness wasn't as heavy anymore. It was still there but somehow I was able to get out bed and walk around with that blanket. It took months of being with the Father and making other changes in my life till I got to the point I am at today. The blanket is now so threadbare I barely even know it's there anymore. I wouldn't even call it a blanket these days. It's more like a few threads are left clinging to me that I continue to pluck off .
I never want to feel the way I did at that darkest hour but this depression taught me how much I am loved. How much my Father God loves me. He expressed this to me with His presence as He held me, with His words of love and acceptance , with His healing and most tangibly by blessing me with such a wise, loving, beautiful mother who wasn't afraid to go to the dark places with me and hold my head up above the water when all I wanted to do was let it wash over me. I have learned to cling to the Father on a daily basis. I start each day well, most days, by being quiet with the Father and surrendering myself to Him and allowing Him control. I have found the days I don't do this are the days I feel that darkness just under the surface. It has made me so dependant on Him and for that I am thankful!
