It's Real, People!

Today, and really for a while now, my body has not betrayed me. It is amazing to be able to see the sun shine and hear my kids' laughter and be able to enjoy them. To not want to sleep all day and avoid my husband. It's great to not feel so overwhelmed that I can't breathe. Today I live in a place of peace, but that hasn't always been the case. I certainly don't live my life waiting to feel the old familiar splashes of depression at my feet but I do live life aware that my body might betray me once again. And if it does I will be surrounded by a family who has loved me well through my past struggles.

I have learned how to manage what I can of my mental health. How to nurture my spirit. How to quiet my soul when anxious. How to care for my body. There is room for improvement in all these areas but the truth of the matter is sometimes the chemicals in my brain go a bit wonky and there is nothing I can do about that on my own. I have vowed to do whatever I can to avoid medication again but I can't say with 100% confidence that I will never need it again.

Why am I talking about this when I am not currently facing depression? Because I want to shine light on this topic. I am tired of people trivializing depression and not understanding that it is a complicated condition that can not be easily explained or fixed. Nor is it something to be ashamed of. Far too many people living life with mental illness, depression and many other diagnoses, are left facing it all alone for lack of understanding and compassion of others.

When one is facing mental illness there is already a sense of shame from not being able to get yourself together. Not being able to fix things. Not being able to be sane like others. The last thing a person needs to feel is alone or more shame because the general public is still a few decades behind in their approach to mental illness.

The last two times I faced depression I was surrounded by family who did everything they could to support me. They prayed for me, cared for my kids, kept me talking, were patient, held me and never let me not see the shoreline. I had friends that didn't make me feel shame but neither did they know how to support me. I appreciated them letting me be transparent but would love to have seen them walk more closely with me as I struggled.

People, mental illness is real! As real as cancer. We don't bat an eye to make a meal for someone battling cancer, but when was the last time you dropped a casserole off to someone in the throws of depression or a manic state? You would come and sit with someone's kids so they could sleep after chemo, would you come and sit with someone's kids so they could sleep from the exhaustion of facing the world when depressed? I get that mental illness can be scary, but Jesus doesn't want us to run away from the scary. We need to give Him our fears and be willing to stand with those struggling.

It can make all the difference and be a healing touch that no medicine or counseling can ever offer.

More Thoughts on Parenting

From the moment you know you are pregnant you set out to protect that baby. Everything you eat, drink, how you medicate, the temperature of your shower, it's all to protect the baby. Then of course when the baby arrives it's all about what they will eat, how they will eat, how they will ride in the car, in your arms, in the stroller. It's all to protect them from pain and suffering. It doesn't end as they get older. You find yourself wanting to squash other precious children when they look at your kid funny, you scrutinize every TV show or movie they watch, you try and set them up for success so they don't have to struggle so hard in life in the future. It n---e---v---e----r ends! I can't imagine the things I will worry about as my school age kids approach their teen years-yikes!

Today I had this thought- I am trying so hard to protect them- why? Of course it's because I love them but a certain amount of pain and struggle is part of this world we live in. I can not protect them from everything and I don't even know if that is really my role. Perhaps my role is more to teach them how to deal with pain. How to face difficult situations and not fall apart. What would it look like to parent in this way?

What would it look like to be a child in this way? So often we expect Father God to be one of those parents who sets out to protect us from all pain and discomfort. To keep us from struggling too much. Maybe that's not His role after all. Maybe His role is more to prepare us for the difficult times we will inevitably face. Maybe we need to stop looking at Him and asking why or how could you and start asking OK, now what? How do I maneuver through this one?

Pain and struggle sucks but if I do my job right it won't destroy my kids it will help grow them to be better people. I bet Father God already knows this, well actually I know He does. Romans 5:4 says: Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Thoughts on Parenting

Everyday, in my weakness, I fail my kids. I yell too much. I take things personally. I get impatient. I have ridiculous expectations and I model poor behavior by being too emotional. I can go on and on listing all my failures. That is one thing I have always been good at, seeing myself for what I am. An imperfect person with plenty of room to grow.

I used to beat myself up about my parenting. In fact it played a role in being swallowed in depression a couple of years ago. The thought of failing my kids was so great that it left me blind to reality. As I learned to accept my own humanity and how to really bask in God's grace I was able to see that I was not destroying my kids by being human. No, rather I get to show them what it looks like to be real and to make mistakes and how to say I am sorry. I get to show them how to forgive and how to share grace with others. People will always fail them in life. It's better they learn now how to forgive and show grace and how to accept that same forgiveness and grace when they are in need of it. Don't get me wrong, I continue to work on my behavior and I pray desperately they my kids will remember me with grace, but I know that it's not all a loss.

Lent as an American Christian

There is something about Lent to bring me back to blogging. Maybe it's the fact that I am stopping to do something with purpose or maybe it's that I need something to keep me be busy! But here we are on day 1 of Lent- Ash Wednesday if you will- and I am already full of thoughts. Like, how Lent always confuses me because I get so excited about it yet I hate it by sundown of the first night! How can I hold this time as so sacred yet despise it as well? I also find myself excited to hear what God wants to say to me this season. Because inevitably, when I set time aside to focus on His great sacrifice and acknowledge that He has bought me at a great price and I am not my own, I hear Him. I hear Him speaking to me. Speaking things He has been saying all along yet I was not listening because I wasn't desperate enough.

I think the power in Lent is the fact that I take time to practice something we as American Christians struggle with and that is Suffering. We suffer privately for fear of what others might think or because we are so prideful and don't understand community. When we are around someone else's suffering we get really uncomfortable and feel as if we should perhaps take our leave and give them their space. We avoid the suffering in the world around us because if we acknowledge it then we might have to do something about it. So suffering and death has become so foreign to us.

Sure, saying no to Coke (the beautiful caramel colored kind with the gentle bubbles that warm your soul as they travel though your body spreading caffeinated goodness) doesn't cause suffering, but it causes discomfort and yes in my first world culture an element of suffering. Because after all we Americans aren't accustomed to being told No. We want something- we buy it. We long for something- we take it. We crave something- we eat it. So, to take a month and tell ourselves NO. No, you won't eat that or No, you won't drink that or No, you won't enjoy that does bring an element of suffering. It reminds me that I am not my own. I have been purchased. Purchased with blood and suffering. How dare I value my beverage of choice over the King's suffering?

We American Christians love our freedoms in Jesus, but that freedom came at a price. A price we often jump over to get to the good stuff. Typical American culture, right? We are impatient and we are about a quick fix and immediate gratification. How about this year we take 40 days to delay the gratification of Freedom and Eternal Life and sit in the place of suffering. Not our own, even though I am feeling a bit lonely without my bubbly friend and it's only 9:00AM on day 1, but our King's. These 40 days makes that Easter morning all the more powerful and sweet and that is why I embrace this season of suffering and invite my American Christian friends to do the same.

The Rest of the Story

I have a friend who is an avid follower of A.A. and has often inspired me with his commitment and transparency. About a year ago I sat in a room with him and our spiritual community and listened as he listed off ways he was making amends. These were not simple little apologies but full on humble yourself and lay it all out there confessions to people he had wronged. Some people had no idea he had even wronged them and some it was so long ago it wasn't even an issue, yet he did it. What struck me was how this seemed to be effecting him and his growth. Almost like he could not move forward until he paused to make things right in the past.

For months now I have been longing to move forward and felt stuck. Felt like something was keeping me from the future plans in store for me. Then, I realized, I could not move forward because there was something I needed to take care of in my recent past.

The two of you out there who read my blog regularly might have noticed a slight shift in the tone of my posts this past year. Maybe not. I know I did and that is probably because I know the spirit they were written in. The posts themselves might not have been so bad if they weren't meant to be a message to some specific people. I had forgotten the phrase that had carried Rob and I through the a most difficult time of being beat up by other people's words, "It is better to be righteous than to be right". (Anyone out there remember hearing us say that? Or maybe we only said it to ourselves through bloody lips as we did all we could to stay silent.)

All I know is I recently needed to make amends of some sort and I did. It was met with grace and forgiveness and mutual understanding that we are all broken and in need of a Savior. Because I took to this blog with my feelings, perhaps never sharing the details but some of you knew what I was really saying, I have chosen to publicly post my apology here. I do this knowing that not everyone will approve but that is ok, I believe some people who read my previous words need to hear this as well....

If you would allow me a moment of your time to share the rest of the story as I wrote it in my journal this morning....

 

We were so hurt and broken as we limped out of Pennsylvania saying goodbye to ministry as we knew it that we needed a change. We needed God in a new way. He didn't lead us into the familiar but somewhere new- somewhere different. Everything about this place- these people- were different. He had removed the familiar to force us to open our eyes and our souls to feel again.

 

It was among these people that we experienced God in a new way. We found Him in relationships and in a new liturgy of sorts. In every conversation that challenged my traditional thoughts and practices I found God.

 

All through this strange land and time I always prayed that He would be my guide and if ever there was a time that this was not His path for me that He would let me know. I often asked- is it time to go and He would say- No, embrace it. So I did. It was beautiful as I felt myself coming alive.

 

For two wonderful years it was wonderful and powerful.

 

Sometime in January, just past the two years, I began to feel change coming. I ignored it as my own world was experiencing so much change of it's own and I chalked it up to my own personal chaos. At times this sense of change was so thick I could almost taste it.

 

Change. I could no longer say it was the place for me.

 

I stayed because the idea of leaving my community was unthinkable. Then my community began to leave  and I found myself in a place that no longer looked like the place God had brought me to. 

 

LEAVE- I can't- LEAVE- I can't- LEAVE- let me fight this last battle!

 

Old wounds torn open and I take multiple steps back in my healing and wholeness that He had given me in this place. As I stumbled away I splattered on those all around me.

 

Didn't I say change was coming? yes

Didn't I say leave? yes

Will you leave now? yes

 

God had given me a gift and at some point that gift became more important to me than Him. That led me to a place of anger, resentment and lashing out at His children when He had planned for me to leave and not be a part of the change. So, I left a beautiful place that I am grateful for in a way that did not show gratitude or love. I left for apparent reasons that had NOTHING to do with the true reasons that God had whispered to me months before.

 

So, I see that He is good and I, apart from Him and not. I am in need of His grace and forgiveness and I ask you for the same. I was supposed to be long gone before any of these things came about. I do not want to move forward until I stop and turn back to you and say, thank you for what this place has meant to us and I never meant to allow my pain and disobedience to taint it. Please, forgive me.

Perspective

It's Advent and although I am home now and jumping into making it a beautiful season for my family and I to celebrate, my spirit is still stirred by my time in Ireland. I continue to think of  the island's history and what it must be like to live in an occupied land. What that must feel like and how that changes one's view of well, everything. Of course Ireland has been free for some time now and I am sure I can look at more recent occupied countries to dwell on but we don't always get to choose where our inspiration comes from.

When I think of when Jesus arrived on the scene I am keenly aware that the landscape of this world was as different from my world as it gets. Jesus was born to a man and a woman who were not free. Their country was being occupied the powerful empire of Rome and in their own home they had so little. Working their land for other's wealth, having no voice, being denied the ability to worship without ridicule, punishment and death having to be endured at the hands of these outsiders who trample on all that is sacred to that land. This does not look like my world. I have about every freedom I can ever dream of here in this land.

No one is telling me I can't speak my own language, school my kids how I want, worship in hiding. No one is taking the majority of my money and leaving me with pennies to survive on. I don't live in an occupied world. I am free. So, when I visit a country like Ireland who did endure being occupied by outsiders the good news of Jesus becomes brighter and stronger and truer.

I am able to see how here in our American Christian culture we think we have mastered this gospel but there are elements that will always be a bit less tangible for us as a land who has not been occupied. So much of the language of the gospel is lost to us because we haven't had to live under the tyrannical rule of man. Of course we are able to identify with the spiritual chains that bind us and yes some have experienced their own personal hell of living in a place of oppression but as a whole- it's a stretch.

You can see why Jesus was so controversial. (He still is but I wonder if it's for the same reasons.) He shows up on the scene, gathers a following and instead of preaching a message of overthrowing the occupying government He preaches on loving others and drawing near to God. He speaks of being free no matter what the situation is around you. He speaks of being children of a loving and powerful King. He speaks of being powerful by serving and of being great by being the least. He doesn't conquer evil by lording over a people but by giving His life for all people. This wasn't the message they expected and many could not accept it but those that did, experienced a freedom that could never be taken from them.

This Advent as I anticipate the celebration of the King's birth I will be dwelling on the circumstances of the world in which Father God chose to send the Rescuer as much as I will be focusing on what it means to worship this King. I will realize that I have it good and where life is not so good I can endure it without needing to overthrow it. My Rescuer has already set me free so there is no need to wrestle or fight or rise up.

Hope He has brought, Peace has been given, Joy is mine and Love is for all!

Worthy (Reposted)

 

(Reposted from last Advent)

Every year I watch the movie "The Nativity Story" and every year I am moved to tears. I popped it in as I fluffed my fake tree's limbs and it had almost come to an end and still no tears. But then in happened. The old, wrinkly, lonely, humble shepherds arrived to see the baby. Reaching out a hand towards the baby only to pull it back not wanting to soil the baby with his touch. Then she did it- Mary held him up to the old man and told him that the baby was a gift for everyone. He reached out and touched the baby, the gift, the savior. The tears began to flow and the prayers followed.

How can someone not feel worthy? Certainly people don't feel that way today? But they do.

I grew up in a home that was always full of worship and service. A home where I had no question of my access to the Creator of the Universe. No question of my value as a human being or a daughter of the King. In fact I remember very clearly my father reading through the Bible pointing out strong women  to me. Not only women of the Bible but women in politics, and women of history. He made sure my sister and I graduated college. He made sure that our worth was known to us not only as children of God but as women. What a gift.

Watching that old shepherd reminded me that there are so many people who have not been told of their value. Told of their worth. Told that they can freely walk into the presence of the ONE TRUE AND ONLY GOD. There are no tasks to be accomplished, no offerings to be made, no payments to be paid,  no journeys to be traveled. It's all been taken care of by a little baby who came to us for all of us.

I am worthy, not because of me, but because of Christ. He makes me worthy. He gives me value. He gives me hope!

What if we stop declaring to everyone who will listen that Jesus is the reason for the Season and start showing people that they have value and worth? What if we share this hope that we have? What if we feed the poor and declare them worthy of LOVE, what if we welcome in those all alone and declare them worthy of RELATIONSHIP, what if we welcome in those who have been beat down and declare them worthy of HOPE? I think somehow when we do this and share that we have this to offer them because of Jesus then they will understand the reason for the season.

Worship Fully-Spend Less-Give More-Love All