The Rest of the Story

I have a friend who is an avid follower of A.A. and has often inspired me with his commitment and transparency. About a year ago I sat in a room with him and our spiritual community and listened as he listed off ways he was making amends. These were not simple little apologies but full on humble yourself and lay it all out there confessions to people he had wronged. Some people had no idea he had even wronged them and some it was so long ago it wasn't even an issue, yet he did it. What struck me was how this seemed to be effecting him and his growth. Almost like he could not move forward until he paused to make things right in the past.

For months now I have been longing to move forward and felt stuck. Felt like something was keeping me from the future plans in store for me. Then, I realized, I could not move forward because there was something I needed to take care of in my recent past.

The two of you out there who read my blog regularly might have noticed a slight shift in the tone of my posts this past year. Maybe not. I know I did and that is probably because I know the spirit they were written in. The posts themselves might not have been so bad if they weren't meant to be a message to some specific people. I had forgotten the phrase that had carried Rob and I through the a most difficult time of being beat up by other people's words, "It is better to be righteous than to be right". (Anyone out there remember hearing us say that? Or maybe we only said it to ourselves through bloody lips as we did all we could to stay silent.)

All I know is I recently needed to make amends of some sort and I did. It was met with grace and forgiveness and mutual understanding that we are all broken and in need of a Savior. Because I took to this blog with my feelings, perhaps never sharing the details but some of you knew what I was really saying, I have chosen to publicly post my apology here. I do this knowing that not everyone will approve but that is ok, I believe some people who read my previous words need to hear this as well....

If you would allow me a moment of your time to share the rest of the story as I wrote it in my journal this morning....

 

We were so hurt and broken as we limped out of Pennsylvania saying goodbye to ministry as we knew it that we needed a change. We needed God in a new way. He didn't lead us into the familiar but somewhere new- somewhere different. Everything about this place- these people- were different. He had removed the familiar to force us to open our eyes and our souls to feel again.

 

It was among these people that we experienced God in a new way. We found Him in relationships and in a new liturgy of sorts. In every conversation that challenged my traditional thoughts and practices I found God.

 

All through this strange land and time I always prayed that He would be my guide and if ever there was a time that this was not His path for me that He would let me know. I often asked- is it time to go and He would say- No, embrace it. So I did. It was beautiful as I felt myself coming alive.

 

For two wonderful years it was wonderful and powerful.

 

Sometime in January, just past the two years, I began to feel change coming. I ignored it as my own world was experiencing so much change of it's own and I chalked it up to my own personal chaos. At times this sense of change was so thick I could almost taste it.

 

Change. I could no longer say it was the place for me.

 

I stayed because the idea of leaving my community was unthinkable. Then my community began to leave  and I found myself in a place that no longer looked like the place God had brought me to. 

 

LEAVE- I can't- LEAVE- I can't- LEAVE- let me fight this last battle!

 

Old wounds torn open and I take multiple steps back in my healing and wholeness that He had given me in this place. As I stumbled away I splattered on those all around me.

 

Didn't I say change was coming? yes

Didn't I say leave? yes

Will you leave now? yes

 

God had given me a gift and at some point that gift became more important to me than Him. That led me to a place of anger, resentment and lashing out at His children when He had planned for me to leave and not be a part of the change. So, I left a beautiful place that I am grateful for in a way that did not show gratitude or love. I left for apparent reasons that had NOTHING to do with the true reasons that God had whispered to me months before.

 

So, I see that He is good and I, apart from Him and not. I am in need of His grace and forgiveness and I ask you for the same. I was supposed to be long gone before any of these things came about. I do not want to move forward until I stop and turn back to you and say, thank you for what this place has meant to us and I never meant to allow my pain and disobedience to taint it. Please, forgive me.