Stuck In the Middle

Well I don't know why I came here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain't right,
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs,
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you,
Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you,
Stuck in the middle with you.
                          -Steeler's Wheel

For 30+ years I was part of a culture that wasn't perfect but definitely significant. For the past 4 years I have been questioning and rejecting much of that culture. Looking at it from different angles and seeing all the things I don't want to be part of anymore. I found myself in a subculture of the world I had always known. It was challenging and resonated with so many of my longings and beliefs. But soon that subculture began to look more and more like all the rest and it was no longer for me. Still beautiful in many ways but not for me.

So now where do I go? Do I return to the original culture knowing that there are no perfect places and I should just accept it for what it is? Do I move forward to a totally new culture but I fear that will end like the last two in disappointment and frustration.

I know there are no perfect places. I feel stuck between two worlds and I am not sure how to proceed. My belief system drives me in every way and now that my beliefs are all topsy turvy I am feeling quite uneasy. How is it that a culture so flawed was a place I personally experienced great joy and amazing outcomes all while being disgusted by the system itself? Now I feel great contentment with the system but wonder if I will ever see the same amazing outcomes?

Which way is right? Right for us? Right for our kids?

I'm feeling stuck...

So, I am trying to focus on the things I know. Trying to let go of control and allow Him to lead. Quiet myself long enough to hear His voice and allow Him to lead me. Somehow I don't think all of this matters as much to Him. In some ways I think it's much like parenting. Nursing vs. Bottle Feeding, to spank or not to spank, homeschool or send to school. No one can say exactly which one is RIGHT! It's more like which one is healthiest for our family and brings us closer to HIM. The early church was flawed yet beautiful. It was beautiful yet flawed. I think if it was a matter of right and wrong we would see it more clearly defined in scriptures. I think the make up of the church was in part purposely left to our imaginations. I definitely don't think the majority of what we see occurring in church today is how it was defined and I think that is where I get frustrated. When churches- a culture- tries to make their agenda or their plans gospel! I don't see 90% of today's church experience anywhere in the Bible so maybe we shouldn't be so dogmatic about it all.

I want to walk in freedom. Freedom to be who He created me to be and worshipping in a way that pleases Him. So, maybe I will just keep breathing and listening and worshipping and seeking. I don't want to miss a moment of Him while trying to figure this all out.