Say What?!

I just finished watching an episode of Parenthood where the mom has been diagnosed with cancer and has yet to tell anyone in the family other than her husband. It's been like two t.v. weeks and she hasn't shared with anyone?! I looked at Rob and said, "I don't get that! I could never keep something like that to myself".  To which he replied, "We know!" Yep I let it all hang out! Last week at my spiritual community my friend made a comment that went something like- "well, we all know every last detail of your drama riddled life and could never imagine you keeping anything private." Ok, really she just lovingly said something more like, I know how you like to share things or something equally polite.

I think I am one step away from being that annoying woman who feels the need to tell you every detail about her recent hysterectomy including what they took from her and the ways her body is now trying to recover. You know the one- the one to go on about her weight gain, the hot flashes, the sweats, etc.. The one who makes you roll your inner eyes and think....TMI!!! Keep somethings to yourself!

Yep, that is how I feel lately....well minus the sweats! Here I am trying to maneuver my way through this ocean of depression and I find myself becoming more and more open about it- which may or may not be a good thing. For me it helps me process and explains to people why I am the way I am right now. I have no allusions of being able to help anyone  else battling depression at this moment but I do wish that perhaps someone else had t=shared their story with me.

I was at a women's retreat recently and after each session we had these breakout sessions with complete strangers. We were supposed to answer these questions and all I could think was....Keep it vague! There is not enough time to explain what is really going on in your life. So as I held it in and responded as generically as possible I was met with prayers from one woman that God would melt my coldness and questions as to why we are no longer ministers. At the last breakout session I thought screw it....I said it....battling depression. Now I was met with perplexed looks and questions of what did I mean- DEPRESSION??? Thank God that session was cut short due to needing to check out of the hotel before 12:30.

I guess, it's hard for me to be fake. To put on a mask and carry on. All those Keep Calm signs seem so foreign to me. I am a stop and panic and let the world know what is going on kind of girl. I will eventually find my way into the Father's lap and rest in his peace but along the way you will all know where I am headed!

When Rob had cancer we had teams of support. There was his medical team that involved numerous doctors, nurses, dietitians, and counselors. There was his prayer team all around the world. There was his family and friends team and everyone was focused on supporting him and helping him beat this betrayal of his body.  There was the bringing meals team. The card making team. The financial team and more. They were all sympathetic and patient with how he was feeling each day. When you struggle with depression you don't get teams of support. Mostly - it's you. It's you choosing to fight- fight to carry on- fight to be normal- fight to not hurt people in your path. Most people battling with depression go it alone.....the worse scenario possible for someone not feeling bright and sunshiny.

I share and I will continue to share and sometimes you may roll your eyes and scream TMI! I am ok with that because believe it or not it helps to tell my story. It helps to stand on the edge of the park and cry with my two friends as I allow myself to stop working so hard to be normal for a few moments and share some of my recent joys and fears. It helps for me to cry at my spiritual community and tell them the hellish week or three I have had because then they know I need that extra hug or dose of grace when I snap at someone. It helps to open up and tell my family because I know they will always have my back.

Most of all--- and I mean this---- I want to share because along the way I am seeing and feeling God's love in amazing ways and I want to one day continue to tell my story by sharing how Father God never forgot me and carried me through this vast ocean. Maybe, one day someone will read all this and know that they are not the first to swim these waters.