Trust

TRUST: Believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of. 

This morning I found myself in a text chat that found it's way to my friend asking about a decision that needs to made in our life. A pretty big decision that will determine quite a bit for us over the next couple of years and yet is completely out of our control. When she asked about it I answered with something like....Still waiting- all we can do is trust that God has a plan. I really do believe that He has a plan and I do prefer His plans over mine yet I am finding myself obsessing about this long drawn out process.

When my friend responded with the fact that I am handling it better than she would- I literally LOL! Me handling this well? I am so stressed I have found myself hiding under a blanket in tears, I have been mean mommy and hateful wife. I have made my own backup plans B, C and D. (none of which are really good.) I have made a nuisance of myself to the people who will deliver the decision to me. I have totally set my healthy choices on the shelf,  I have wanted to call someone and share all my fears and hopes and wishes and disappointments and yet I never do because I am not sure....

The thing is, I really do believe God has a plan. I know He was aware of this situation long before it was a situation and I know He has a beautiful plan that He will unfold when He is ready. I really do want to know that I am living in His story and not trying to write my own. Yet, here I am being impatient, restless, emotional, conniving and demanding.

So, if I am behaving this way, am I really trusting? Can one trust and yet still panic? Believe but still plan?