It's the season of Lent and I wonder if I am giving up enough? Am I suffering enough? What is enough?
Recently I was thinking about when I was younger and the struggles I had back then. Struggles that came from being hurt and mistreated. Hurt from being used and replaced. Hurt from being left behind. Hurt from being unseen. I think back on my behavior and I am unnerved. I am embarrassed. I shudder at the danger I walked into and yet I am thankful. No matter what choices I made I always felt a safety net of Father God's love. Somehow, I found my way back, time and time again.
As I think about what Father God saw when He watched me I become overwhelmed, once again, by His love, His patience, His grace, His compassion. He saw everything. He saw my pain and walked with me. He didn't leave me behind. He didn't replace me. He didn't use me up and cast me aside. He knew I was broken and wasn't afraid to walk with me. He protected me, loved me, covered me, held me, sang over me....even if I had no idea.
The festering bleeding wounds that I carried caused me to create fresh wounds until I felt so fragmented and broken that I didn't see any hope for healing. But oh how the healing came. Only now as I look back do I see just how deep those wounds went. How those wounds changed me. Now I can barely express how thankful I am for the healing, the love, the compassion, the faithfulness and the grace of God. I am no longer fragmented, but I am whole. I am being restored back to what Father God had in mind when He created me.
So, No.
No, I am not giving up enough.
I am not suffering enough but then again, I never will.
Psalm 55
Your story sounds far too similar to mine. I am trying to let myself be restored but I'm having a hell of a time just letting go and giving it to Him. How do you get there?
ReplyDeleteHow do you get there? I don't know. I think for me it was a matter of realizing I had no other options but to trust Him. And when I did/do I feel nothing but safe and valued. I have prayed prayers like "Restore me back to the person you meant for me to be". I have spent time honestly expressing my hurts and dissapointments with Him and then trust Him when He begins the process of healing. It also really helps to have people around you who will walk it out with you....call me sometime. I am not afraid to go for a walk.
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